Secretly Falling Apart ~ Those Heartbreaks We Suffer, But Don’t Confront
It started with a casual brunch. You chat about the safe stuff. Your hobbies, your cat. Then, a warmth begins to glow inside you. This is more fun than I thought it would be, you whisper to yourself.
You schedule another plan on the first meeting. On the first meeting.
You turn up, and they turn up. No cancellations. No rescheduling.
Before you get your head around what’s happening; you’ve spent the entire weekend with them. You go shopping, stuff yourselves with pizza-fries, drink way too many mojitos and end up repeating the last conversation you ever had with your ex (which you know by heart). You know, the ex.
If you haven’t got it yet ~ I’m talking about friends. Best buddies. Soul sisters. Brothers-from-other-mothers. Call them what you like.
Opening the history of your heart to someone else is gut-wrenching. When you incorporate them as a witness to the highlights or your life ~ good and bad ~ you offer them the privilege to comment on your life.
‘Yeah, maybe he’s taking advantage of you — I don’t know, just be careful.’
‘Maybe this job is not working out for you, babe.’
You start creating shared history. — weddings, festivals, degrees, promotions, holidays, whatnot. It’s like conjuring a personal World, only its tangible and it actually makes you happy.
Then you break up.
It could be over a guy, or an ugly misunderstanding, or a major disagreement over life choices, or you just drift away. You know how it goes. You’ve lived it too.
Losing a friend is closer to a heart-break than you think. What makes it sadder is that we’re expected to just get over it. You know, shit happens. Move on. You’re in your 30s; be an adult. What do you expect? People are jerks.
Just like that. Its expected that you would shrug your shoulders, give out a ‘meh’ and find someone else to shop with.
That makes it so much worse.
Because your heart break is not socially validated; you convince yourself that it’s just one of the ups and downs of life while you continue to suffer silently.
I still think of my best friend from college. We haven’t spoken for 8 years. When I think of her, I recall her dirty jokes, and the exquisite voice of her laughter. I also remember the reason why our friendship ended. The way that break-up left me reeling into nothingness.
To be honest, it bothers me a bit, even today.
Losing a close friend means losing a rare connection. You lose yet another witness to your life. You lose the right to opine over someone’s choices. You lose conversation that makes sense to you. You lose someone who keeps you company no strings attached, and, like forever.
For real, what you lose is irreplaceable ~ a unique understanding with another human being who makes you feel safe enough to speak unfiltered. Who observes you deeply enough they can tell your mood by the curve of your mouth.
If that’s not precious, I don’t know what is.
A frienship heart-break is another hefty rucksack in the emotional baggage swung over your shoulder, as you slowly move on with life, shuffling from one foot to another.
For how do you overcome the loss of a friend who’s alive and well. It’s only your friendship that’s dead.
Now that I have been through this more than a couple of times, it made sense to stop and take a closer look at the term ‘best friends’ and its counterparts.
No. I no longer think that having one true, wonderful soul satisfying friend is the be-all of a happy existence. Or that it can even exist.
I also made a heart-ripping revelation: The reason why no one can feel what you feel is because that’s exactly how it is intended by nature.
We’re in this endless quest for connection, looking for someone to understand us without us having to make the effort of revealing our idiosyncrasies, and little harmless insanities. While this romantic notion may seem unbearably attractive and rewarding, unfortunately, it’s nothing more than wishful thinking.
But there’s no such thing.
Instead what we should be rooting for, is a person who knows they cannot fully understand us (and us them), and that’s okay. So, we work with what we get.
Friends are imperative companions that bring us safety, humour and perspective. Having said that, ultimately, every human being contains inside them a complex mish-mash of a throbbing cosmos.
How can we expect another person to understand us when, a lot of times, we struggle to fully apprehend our own choices and feelings?
Friends are amazing. But they are also humans. Humans are insecure, skeptical, jealous, egoistic, cynical, and fundamentally flawed.
By pinning all our hopes on a single person, aren’t we are glorifying them to a demi God-like status and eventually, breaking our own hearts?
The concept of a best friend for all your life is the definition of ‘setting yourself up for failure’.
A friendship is a relationship. You go in with grounded expectations; be kind along the way; and accept its quietus with grace.
